Sticks&Stones may break your bones.

sorry guys i havent posted in awhile... i;ve been so busy...
well i've been doing the 20 in 20 challenge, and i only have 6 more to lose until i have lost 20 lbs... im pretty excited. and it will be the marking point.... i will have lost 50 lbs :D
thats pretty much it
hope to talk to you soon


Love
Pehytenn

BLADESNBONES, They Break My Heart.

I'm supposed to ride my horse today. Daddy came home from work so we could all go to gymkhana together. I've been looking forward to it for days.
I'm not going. Instead, I will lock myself in my bedroom with the curtains drawn, hiding under the soft blanket. Maybe I'll leave my room, when my head stops aching, when my legs stop shaking, when I can catch my breath in my chest. Maybe I'll leave when my stomach stops pinching in terrible agony. 
Yesterday, I intended to post. But by the time I had crawled into bed, I no longer had the presence of mind to do so, or the energy. I can't count how many times yesterday I knelt before the porcelain god (monster) and spewed vomit. Everything I ate was removed, even a simple meal. Everything except a half bag of microwave popcorn, and half of a bottle of whisky. Cinnamon whisky, the kind the burns the mouth and warms the belly. I got drunk and fell off the steps. 
And now here I lay, and I will suffer through the day after effect. Not so much an alcohol hangover, I think, as a food hangover. 
Fuck.
Goodday.
Micha,
BLADESNBONES.

Sticks&Stones may break your bones.

but words could make her starve herself to death.

Hey guys its Stick'N'Bones..... well its finally time. I dont want you guys to call me by my username anymore, so I decided that I am going to give myself a name that you can call me, its not my real name, but its my favorite name... Pehytenn, or Peh. Well today has not been the best, I binged, it wasnt as horrible as previous binges but it was still pretty bad. I had cheer practice wednesday and thursday so i was really to busy to post. I am going to jump all over the place when i type, because im not a writer, thats not what i do. Anyways, today my period came 10 days early, i really wasnt expecting that. Over the last few months my periods have been very random. I need to start restricting again, or i am going to have a terrible melt down. I guess its time that you got to know the real me eh? Okay well i am not as happy as I seem. I have attempted to commit suicide, but i just couldnt go through with it, i would be hurting more the myself, not to mention what it would've done on my mothers pocketbook! I self harm, i dont cut my wrists because i cant risk anyone seeing it, so i cut my belly and thighs. I weigh myself 5+ times a day, so im an obsessive scale-o-holic, and i get scale with draw if i dont weight every few hours. I bite my lips so much that i think if i were to actually die, it would be from and extreme amount of blood loss, from my lips, lol. I also like to watch shows on eating disorders and weightloss, i will put a link down there sp you can watch my favorite supersize vs. superskinny. I also play stupid games so i can distract my self from the pain, i will put some of those down there too! Well Im getting tired.
Love Always
Pehytenn

p.s. i will be posting links like this atleast once a week.


Supersize vs. Superskinny- char and heather

(you have to be 18 years or older to watch)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6bmzNvxDLE&has_verified=1 (part 1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SRrzjuksjk&feature=related (part 2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lehf8Rq-ECU&feature=related (part 3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REfi_JshRv0&feature=related (part 4)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZteGZSqiqY&feature=related (part 5)


love pehytenn

BLADESNBONES, They Break My Heart.

WE STARE AT BROKEN CLOCKS,

THE HANDS DONT TURN ANYMORE.

I am scared. I can say this with honesty. I dont think I am alive anymore. I am merely a shell, a withering, frozen soul, trapped in this body by a demon with long fingers, scrapes on the knuckles. I was succeeding, almost. Subway vegetarian sandwich, 230. Subway cookie, 220. Three egg whites, 51. Tomato, 17. Butter, 25. Equals 543.

Then another cookie. Pretzels, coated in vanilla yogurt. A smoothie made from ice cream, soy milk and banana. Potatoes with butter.

Then the bathroom, shower running, vomit dripping from my lips, tears streaking eyeliner down my cheeks, thick slime running down my forearm and dripping onto my scarred thighs, monsters of fat and bone and muscle and fat fat fat. I get out all I can. It is not enough, never enough. But it is all I can.

I puked again in the shower, without meaning to. I still have no control over my vomitting. I puked again all over my bedroom floor. Twice when I was with my friend. Numerous times when I was with my mom. People are starting to worry. I fall over because Im to dizzy to make my legs hold my body up. I shiver because Im cold. The demon in my chest beats me from the inside out with a baseball bat until my heart aches and flutters and beats frantically in my chest.

I think I am dying soon. I can feel it, in the coldness of my limbs. But I cant die yet. Not yet. Not until I am perfection. Not until I am right. Until this is all worth it.

But it will never be worth it. It never is.

I will only ever be a zombie, a paper doll without eyes, held up on thin wire. Not alive, but not quite dead either.

I will only ever be food, and scales, and the toilet, and scales. And tears. And blood.

I wish I was dead. I want nothing more.

Goodnight.

Micha,

BLADESNBONES.

Sticks&Stones may break your bones.

but words could make her starve herself to death....


Hey guys:)
morning, it sticks&bones, i have cheer camp in a couple of hours, so i am kind of in a rush. The last month and a half i have been suffering from a really bad b/p cycle.... finally i got back on track. thank god. well I wanted to share a few of my poems with you! Hope you enjoy:)

p.s. i will be posting later after camp:)



If Only


original



If only, if only you knew the true me
My disgusting soul that you can not see
If only, if only you knew the true me
How I feel, the pain and agony
If only i could grow to love my reflection
But because of my fucked up brain
i can only seek perfection
If only, if only you knew the true me
If only you saw my suffering
If only, if only
you cared enough,
to stop this endless torture
before i self destruct
if only, if only you weren't to late
now this monster has sealed my fate
if only, if only i could rest in peace
but this devil, ana, is forever with me.



Blind, Without Sight



original



how can you be so oblivious
blind, without sight
how can you not see my constant fight
when you offer me food
do i not turn it down
when you ask me my calorie count
do i not make a sound
how can you be so oblivious
blind, without sight
how can you sleep at night
knowing somethings not right
do you care
honestly, do you care
because soon there will be nothing there
i will have vanished into thin air
thin the word it means so much
its an unrealistic goal,
but you wouldnt know
how can you be so oblivious
blind, without sight
tongiht is my last night
you will never see me again
because you were so oblivious
my life has come to an end
i wish you werent so oblivious
blind, without sight
but its time to go now
nighty night.


kay thats it for now,
Sticks'N'Bones

Sticks&Stones may break your bones.

but words could make her starve herself to death.
Hey guys its Sticks'N'Bones, im sorry this isnt going to be very long, because i am EXHAUSTED from cheer practice. Well today i did ok i guess 744 calories =/ whatever its better the the b/p i've been doing:) I have cheer camp tomorrow. And i am EXHAUSTED!!!!!! Work, Cheer, Sleep. thats my life. kay so i will talk to you soon
Love,
Sticks'N'Bones

BLADESNBONES, They Slice Me Open

I can't keep food down anymore. Even when I try to eat, it still comes back up. Today I ate cheesecake with my family. I felt happy, managed somehow to forget that I was consuming straight fat, solid calories. After is when I got scared. I tried to purge. Nothing would come. I cried.
Now, I throw up everytime I try to do anything. How fucked is it, that I cant throw up when I actually want to, but when I dont, I can do nothing else?
I dont think the Little Big Brother is going to kill himself anymore. Ive been trying to help him for months. I think I finally got through to him, even if I practically had to make him hate me to do it.
I need to stop eating. The scale read 142. I cried. My pants didnt fit.
Im 40 pounds heavier than I was last december. In a year and a half, Ive gone from 102lbs, to 159, to 134, to 142.
I am DISGUSTING.
Is it so much to ask to be strong enough to lock my mouth, and hold myself steady with iron stilts?
Goodbye.
Micha,
BLADESNBONES.